#beingisraelite

 I've been an Israelite. 

I've walked through the Red Sea and saw how God parted it for me, I've seen His deliverance many times, I've been fed manna and drank His life-giving water. Yet, as I walk through the wilderness, I forget the good He's done for me. I start to complain, challenge and question. As one of the church leaders shared about Numbers 21:4-8, it exposed my heart. Each time I read the old testament, I'm so determined not to be an Israelite. Yet, after reading it over and over and hearing the message, I finally see it better- I am an Israelite and have always been one! The human heart is the same, after all those years between the original Israelites and us now. The greed, selfishness, ungratefulness, unfaithfulness... 

Yet, God loves us just the way we are. I am comforted that He has provided a way out of this and true forgiveness just by looking at Jesus. It is really the message for the season I am in now - waiting to return to SG, starting work again, wondering what's with COVID in the world (and why He seems silent). Even though He is quiet, He is working. The wilderness/waiting that is a necessary part for me to grow.

He has been showing me little glimpses of Himself in everyday little blessings. We got called for our first COVID shot. We had a friend who was able to watch E for us even though E was a little sick that day. I thought that when 2 of our SG friends returned, that we would be lonely since we hung out together so often. However, God has sent us new friends whom we have been playing with and E is enjoying himself tons. I suddenly realised few weeks back (#randomshowerthoughts) that my chronic urticaria has completely resolved and I haven't seen an attack for some months now! My sister ordered high tea for me for mother's day! 💓

And I ordered summiko gurashi cookie cutters so I could bake cookies and destress 😋 they are super kawaiiiii!!

It's been awhile...

 It's been busy with the end of the posting drawing nearer. Didn't even realize it's been more than a month since i last posted. M has been trying to clear leave so we had some family time together and it was nice. We have also been hanging out with more kids from school, weather permitting. 

For myself, it's been challenging having to die to self and lose control. When things haven't gone the way they were planned and it's been constant disappointment after disappointment. Yet, this is the lesson the Lord has been constantly bringing before me- surrender. Letting go of my wants/desires/my ideas of perfection and letting Him have His way. There are so many ingrained ideas that needs to be stripped away. It's been painful and so much tears month after month, even after i thought i've let them go, only to find them resurfacing. Yet, each time, after a good cry, He's there for me. Like a good parent who withholds certain things, I am challenged to trust that He knows best. Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." So many things we won't be able to know on this side of life, but i pray for faith and obedience to follow as He leads.

Amidst my heartbreak, I am thankful for many things. That both M and I can attend the marriage and parenting course set up by our church in France. It's been wonderful journeying with the other couples/parents and so timely too (before we leave). For E, who's growing up too fast. He picked a bunch of wildflowers for me on Saturday and it absolutely melted my heart. 💓 These little glimpses of God's love and care are really helping me walk on in the rain. I need to grow a heart of contentment. Forgive me, Lord.

March (much) happenings

 The last few weeks have not been great but it's really teaching me to reflect on where true joy and satisfaction can be found. Was listening to the UCB (Geneva) radio today and a speaker said that trials and tribulations turn us from the temporal satisfaction of earthly joys, and leads us to find eternal satisfaction and joy that Jesus gives. It's hard truth and i am still trying to grasp it.

Our neighbors are returning to SG end of this month too. 😕 I'm sad to say goodbye but yet aware that we will be returning ourselves soon. I'm looking forward, yet so afraid all at the same time. Perhaps, that contributes to all the confusion and anxiety i have been struggling with. 

I've been very much into embroidery recently. It's been enjoyable making small projects. E even requested for a pattern for his favourite blankie!

Of course, the baking continues. I have to start clearing out things i bought and cannot finish using! Made PB rice krispies bars, brownies and orange chiffon cake. Clearly my stress levels have been high!! I've been going mad on the sweets.

The next few weeks will be bleak because we have to bid our friends goodbye. Then, we shall slowly start planning our own relocation. We found a school for E and he will start in September! I have to remind myself, step by step... and trust that just as the Lord led Israel as a pillar of cloud by day and fire by night, He leadeth me...

E turns 4!

 We just celebrated E's birthday over CNY. He was requesting for a rainbow cake and i decided to accept the challenge! I studied several recipes since January and finally decided on one. It took me an entire morning and afternoon to make 6 layers with 2 cake pans. I was popping in and out for other errands in between so i was super stressed. I never made buttercream successfully before either so i was really worried it wouldn't turn out well. Whilst trying to level one of the layers, the knife slipped and shaved off the skin and a small part of nail of my right thumb. 😣 it was a bit hard to stop the bleeding. I was so worried the cake won't be done on time. Alas, i am happy to announce i did it!!

Seeing the smile on his face and how happy he was, every ounce of sweat/stress/blood was worth it. He was beaming so proudly. 😊😍 Time flies, i cannot believe he's 4. He's growing up too fast. He is such a blessing from the Lord.

The weekend brought unexpected weather changes too. It snowed crazily on friday and we had a nice walk on saturday in the park. Really beautiful... Probably the last snowfall we will see for a long time. But a season for everything, as it says in Ecclesiastes. I pray i may learn to let go and embrace the changes that await.  

CNY in Geneva

 This will be our second CNY here. Missing the CNY snacks at home and company. Tried my hand at more CNY snacks this year. I'm proud to say that most were edible and people really liked the almond cookies! It was nice bringing smiles amidst the gloomy atmosphere of winter and worsening COVID rates.

Almond cookies

Crispy Nori snack

Fried crabsticks - but not really crispy

Looking forward to receiving the special food parcel from home! 💖😃

2 weeks ago, France decided that people who enter need to get a PCR test done. So the day before we rushed to get our CNY food from the asian grocer and stood in line for 45mins to pay! Thankful that our SG neighbor also has 2 refrigerators so we could keep the food there. Sigh! When will this madness end?? Thank God for His providence, the promise of His presence and His perspective. Wishing all you lovelies a happy and safe lunar new year. 

The start of 2021

 I decided E needed a haircut before school opens... #mybad 😭😱😲 He squirmed a little but the final part when I shaved off half his fringe was because i became too ambitious. M was horrified. So was I. I could not look at him for awhile, waves of guilt wash over me each time he grins at me... I am the worst mom ever, I think to myself. He looks like a kid with tinea capitis (fungal infection of the scalp).  

Poor kid, still doesn't know what has happened...

Made this for New Year's dinner with our friends, nasi lemak!

We made some good friends here and they will be returning to SG in April... Will miss their company for a few months. Each time we meet up for dinner and talk about the impending return, it's a bit sad. They had to run some errands that day and left their kid with me for the morning. We made minion cupcakes together- it was not too chaotic. PHEW!!

Holiday feasts

 On Christmas eve, we had some friends over and we are happy to announce that we can make our own baked ham and roast beef! We spent the week stressing about the dinner and we even got a thermometer probe to get the cooking right. I was in charge of the ham and M did the beef. It was good. Haha but when I get back to SG, chances are I would just order it from Cold Storage!! 😄

My ham with apricot glaze, like the deco??

M's roast beef

Krispie Christmas Tree!

Spaghetti meatball ring

We also went to the Asian supermarket and bought stuff to make our own HK Cha Chan Teng 😂. We had a crazy time laughing as we joked and heated up all the ready made dim sums and set the table. All to the sound of chinese restaurant music (instrumental guzheng type, you get what i mean!).

So that was the holidays for us. We were home mostly but it was nice. My in laws sent us a Christmas present which kept M and i busy for almost a week. It was difficult because the resolution was poor. We had to give up eventually because of the white bit of sky on the top left corner- every piece looked the same and it was impossible to fit everyone of them perfectly!! So frustrating!!

It was a cool gift though- a picture of the 3 of us in Vatican City

COVID can't steal Christmas!

The month is flying by... This year, we got ourselves advent calendars for entertainment. Never heard of them before we came to Geneva. Then last Christmas, we saw these cute little things that help to count down to Christmas but it was too late then. So this year we got some and i think we overdid it a little. 😂 It seemed like yesterday we opened Day 1... It's now Day 22. 

  It was fun doing them together with E. It was our family bonding activity every evening.

Next week, it'll be new year. However, this month I've already started to try and figure out what's happened this year and where i am spiritually. The start of the month brought some turmoil as i struggled to believe that God was really enough for me. However, God has not left me to deal with the deceitful feelings of my heart alone. Thankfully, in His great love and mercy, before i acknowledged i needed Him, He gave Jesus to save me (Eph 2:4-5). My heart will still ache at unanswered prayers and i am struggling from time to time to believe He is enough. Yet, to know that He knows how much i struggle and yet still loves me... 

Christmas is way quieter than it was last year. However, COVID ain't taking Christmas away because it can't take Jesus away. In a way, i'm thankful for COVID stealing away what Christmas is not supposed to be about- parties, christmas markets, etc.

Amazing puff pastry!!

The last few weeks i suddenly had some rush of inspiration again! With puff pastry. 

Mille feuille

Fruit puff

Char Siu Soh

Puff pastry is the best!! I'm so going to miss it when i go home... 

December and the Christmas tree

 Yesterday was the start of December. It's scary thinking of how time flies. I know i've said it many times but i still feel compelled to say it again. Last weekend, we went to get our real Christmas tree and spent the day decorating it. When we were at the shop, i reminisced about how i was so reluctant to get a real tree last year since we never had one before- how we were gonna keep it alive for a month, if it would attract some bugs into the house, how to dispose the tree blah blah... This year, i was really excited. I'm a convert. Plus i told M, it's our last Geneva Christmas so let's go all out. Then he looked at me and said "it may not be..." I glared at him. We are due for home next year and M has been talked to by bosses on each side about the end of posting. This has been on our nightly prayer list, that God would make straight the paths so that we don't have to go through the agony of deciding what to do. 

Anyhow, the tree was put up and we had so much fun decorating it! E was particularly well behaved until sunday night... Actually it wasn't completely his fault. He was just being a kid. M was in the room attending cell group on Zoom. I was cooking dinner and E was playing on his own. He was really excited about the tree so he stood up on the Poang kids' armchair and pretended his reindeer soft toy was munching at the leaves. I was busy and my back was facing him. I could only hear him saying "Mama see the reindeer loves the leaves so he is eating all of it... crunch crunch crunch..."

And then DISASTER. THE TREE FELL OUT OF THE STAND. It's 1.85m, taller than me and pretty heavy. It came crashing down, shortly missing the dining table. I panicked because i knew M would flip. On hindsight, i was ashamed that i didn't thank God first that E wasn't hurt. I was just so mad with the kid. Poor thing, at first he laughed but he started to cry when he saw how mad i was. He got the vacuum and helped clear the fallen leaves. Thankfully too, the fragile glass ornaments fell on the carpet and nothing broke. They were all collected from our travels.

What was hilarious was how good he was for the rest of the night. He stayed away from the tree and M put the tree back and quickly returned to the Zoom meeting, promising to return at dinner and give E a good scolding. E was so worried and i told him that if remained good till dinner and let me cook in peace, i would put in a good word for him later when his father returned. He kept bugging me and telling me he heard footsteps and that Papa was coming (all imaginations of his mind). I almost went mad telling him not to freak out and that i will help him. This kid... so maddening and yet so lovable at the same time. 😖

Thanksgiving and my teenager

My thanksgiving for last week- God saved me from a near car accident. After dropping M at work, i was on the way home. I assumed i had the right of way going straight but a car from the side road was coming out pretty fast. I was thinking i should stop and let him go, but i had some body-brain disconnection when i was panicking. My foot was stuck on the accelerator. Half of me thinking i had to stop, half of me thinking i had the right of way. 😱😱😱

Good thing he stopped and i passed. He was almost into the right side of the car. He horned me so badly. I deserved it. I froze in the car thinking of what could have been if he had not stopped. It scares me. God's grace is immeasurable. Whenever i think of how i'm living on borrowed time, i'm not upset when disruptions come or when i don't feel efficient. It's a reminder of how I should be living everyday. It's my daily battle but this wake up call helped me get into perspective again.

It helped me also be more patient with my teenager 😆. I can't understand this boy... He got a smack on his bottom for throwing a tantrum and he asks me defiantly "i am your child so why do you beat me?"??! Madness. I had no answer for that. All i could think of was how i never asked my mom this question so how does this guy come up with this?? Yesterday he asked me what was for lunch and i told him "spinach mushroom quesadillas". His reply was "why we always eat that?"..... 😕 teenager in a toddler's body. 

Finding contentment

 Recent unanswered prayers have really tested if I could do what Habakkuk says- rejoice when everything is barren. Can I really say, like Paul, "...for I have learnt to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil 4: 11)? Indeed, my joy had been based on external circumstances. I could not smile or feel content. It is a especially hard week. God really has a way of exposing our weak foundations. I need to rebuild my house on the solid rock. 

The COVID cases here are rising still and death rates going up now too. Some of our SG friends are returning. We will be stuck at home for awhile so book depository has been our great go-to. Can't wait for the parcels to arrive, they bring such joy in this dreary season. Haha.... Superficial joy, again!! When will I ever learn... I need to stand on solid ground.

Updates...

The last few weeks have been crazy. I've been so tired and kept putting off writing an entry.

M had this toothache that began on one side and would not go away. He was on painkillers like sweets! So eventually, he reluctantly went to the dentist. He was happy that the tooth didn't crack and the pain was caused by 2 cavities. Then the other side started aching too and he went to see another dentist who told him it was gum infection?! I didn't think a gum infection could cause so much pain. He came back from the second visit and got severe vertigo for the whole afternoon. I think it's vestibular neuritis but i cannot link like how it was right after he got back from the dentist. Really thank God it resolved the next day. I was so afraid that i might have had to drive him to see a doctor at hospital.

On the home front, my baking madness resumes... Cream puffs, eclairs and macarons! 😄 The eclairs were a flop so i have no pictures of it.

Macarons are so hard but i keep wanting to try them again. Thankful for neighbors and friends to help share the sugar... 

The virus situation is escalating here. I'm thankful that school isn't closing. It is a bit scary thinking how Geneva is one of the worse cantons. However, God has been watching over us so we just need to keep trusting. 

I am encouraged by Habakkuk 3:17-19:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crops fail and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen or cattle in the stalls, yet i will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of the deer, He enables me to tread on the heights."

Because He loves you...

The parenting struggle continues... But, i am not defeated yet. This passage really uplifted me and made me see that i was not resting in my vertical identity (a child of God, and deeply loved) and i believe it pertains not just to parenting, but to every other thing/area in life we have tried to seek identity in apart from who we are in God.

" As a Christian parent, no matter what is happening with your kids, you can wake up in the morning and know that you are deeply and faithfully loved by the most important person in the universe. Because God loves you, He has not left you to your own wisdom, strength and resources. Because He loves you, He will never forsake you in your parenting struggle. Because He loves you, He has connected you to things that are vastly bigger than you. Because He loves you, He not only forgives you, but He also gives you the grace to do better. Because He loves you, He works daily to grow and change you so you are better able to do what He's called you to do. Because He loves you, He works to satisfy your heart and fill you with joy that doesn't depend on circumstances. He loves you so much that He has come to live inside you. He doesn't just make promises to you; He is present with you in all His power, grace, and glory so that you can have a peace of heart, purpose and direction, and courage to face your parenting day."

Parenting, by Paul David Tripp

Much needed grace

 Getting E to go back to school has not been easy. The first 2 mornings involved much tears and struggles. Just to get him out of bed and to school drains me of every ounce of energy. However, that's not the end. Getting home after school is when the real pain begins. Crying and wanting to be carried all the way up from the carpark to the home, and then to lunch. At 3.5 years old, i can't carry him like i used to. He would protest all the way - changing out to home clothes, taking a wee, washing his hands and sitting down to eat. It got particularly bad on tuesday- we had this crazy yelling match. It was the first day of my period, to top it all off. It went on for 20 mins and took 5 buttock smackers to conclude. Pure madness. When he finally recovered, I was angry, yet guilty and sorry at the same time. That clash of self-righteousness and unworthiness...

I started reading this book by Paul David Tripp on "Parenting: 14 gospel principles". I think it's an understatement to say that i need it. Anyhow, i found encouragement within the first few chapters to share. I do believe that God uses marriage and parenting to reveal our hearts to us. The challenges of the last 1 year have shown me that. The good news is that "If you read your Bible carefully, you will understand that God doesn't call able people to do important things. Abraham wasn't able. Moses wasn't able. Gideon wasn't able. David wasn't able." "It (the Bible) is the story of how God meets weak and failing people with His powerful grace." (Quotes taken from the book)

Thankful for His grace, for second chances, and that God would not have engaged in a yelling match like i did (even if i deserved worse than that)...

Goodbye summer...

M took last week off and we made a small trip to Zermatt (finally!!) and back to Lauterbrunnen. We had to make the best use of the last few weeks of summer!! We did short 1-2 hour hikes for 3 days consecutively. I can imagine why people never want to go home and how they just live for summers every year. Even though the sun is blazing hot, the mountain air and scenery is amazing. We were thankful too that E managed to walk most of the time. We just had to keep the chitchat going and pretend we were trains. 😆

We spent the last 2 nights in Lauterbrunnen, which we went already on the first trip. However, we rushed through then and missed the beauty of the waterfalls. This time, M booked a beautiful place with the balcony opening up to the view of the Stubbach falls. 😍 and i love the sounds of the funny cowbells tinkling as if we are in the Ricola commercial. 

The weather is turning cold and E just started school again yesterday. Time to work again!! Goodbye summer, we hope to see you again next year...

We're back!

 Time flies!! It's been a good home stay for us and celebrating my birthday. 😊 All the birthday treats i got from family and friends and being pampered. Really thank God for the opportunity to be home even for a short time. Managed to do most of the things i wanted to also despite having to take the Derm exam so late. We were due to return only on 9th August but we realised that the Swiss authorities decided to put SG up in their compulsory quarantine list from 8th August onwards. So when the announcement came out, we decided to cut short the stay and leave the next night. We got home on the 7th August. Phew!! 😌 The thought of another 10 days in the bedroom with E... NOOOO!!!

The last minute packing and rushing to get all the things i wanted to bring home was mad. However, seeing M nearly cry when he eat the ba-chang made it all worth it!

Day 9 and counting down...

E's number book is helping me count down our days in quarantine. Tomorrow i will go for my swab which hopefully is negative and then i can be released in 5 days. We have both been suffering some cabin fever and a little sick of the food- minus all the spicy food, the menu for both of us is essentially burgers + fries vs pasta vs fried chicken + rice.

However, thank God for this comfortable prison stay. For the families and friends who bring alternate meals to help us. For the time i get to be with E alone, yes, even the crazy times and every morning and night that we get to snuggle next to each other in bed. For not having to do housework or cook. For rest, times of thoughtfulness and reflection.

Quarantine

All our Singaporean friends in Geneva do not want to come home because of this. No one wants to be trapped in a room with their kid. Why did i do it?? I cannot say. Hopefully the reward will be worth the price i am now paying. 😅

We are still fighting jet lag. E has alot of trouble waking in the mornings and falling asleep at night. Today, he refused his nap. I hope that means he will sleep more easily later. Me, i am chronically tired. Lol...

I think the real challenge is keeping him gainfully occupied and out of trouble, without resorting to the use of ipad/netflix so much. Do keep me in prayer! I think being in Geneva the last one year is probably helping me cope better though.

Seeing people outside and remarking on how they all wear masks

Lucerne -> Zurich -> SINGAPORE!

The last few weeks have been crazy busy. After deciding that i will return alone with E to SG, i had to make plans to make the housekeeping easy for M for the next 2 months. On top of that, we decided to holiday together in Lucerne and Zurich before we returned. M had lots of leave which he cannot utilize to come back with us and also since it's on the way (there aren't flights to Zurich from Geneva).

So i racked my brains to use up all the frozen meats in the last week, cleaned the floor and toilets, changed the bed sheets, made a dos-and-don'ts list for M. Then there was the packing. Yup, so it was mad. Thinking back, now that i am trapped in this hotel room with nothing to do but make sure E stays out of trouble, i'm having a bit of adjustment disorder. 😧

Anyhow, i enjoyed our 1 week holiday very much. There were so many little blessings from God that i had to write them down, lest i forget. For starters, we had to book many of the tickets in advance. Like the Zurich zoo, Swiss Vapeur Parc, etc. This is in light of restricted number of guests post COVID. So we booked whatever we could and take chances with the rest. It was supposed to be a mostly rainy week with occasional sunny days in between. However, we could not have known when we booked so we just bit the bullet and booked whatever attractions allowed advanced booking. Those days had wonderful sunny weather and E enjoyed himself tremendously.

Then we shopped at Manor and i decided to buy M his early bday present. He has been asking for a pasta maker and i saw a highly recommended brand so i got it, thinking it will be fun to do something to entertain himself while E and i were in SG for the next 2 months. Also because of COVID, most cashiers prefer card payment to avoid touching cash from customers. I had been telling myself one of these days i was bound to leave my card behind at some shop because i keep forgetting to remove it from the terminal after keying the PIN. And it happened. We got dinner and was about to leave the mall when something prompted me to check for my card. I panicked and ran all the way back to Manor and thank God, it was there.

Driving in Zurich was a nightmare. The traffic is horrible. The day we went to the zoo, we were stuck in a jam for a long time and when we got there, M was flustered and irritable. So when we saw a long snaking queue for the zoo entry from our car, our hearts sank. However, we met a really nice man (also going to the zoo with his kids) who directed us to a parking lot and taught us to pay ticket using our phone (also because we did not have any coins!).

These little blessings from God really made our holiday nice.

Swiss Vapeur Parc

Lake Lucerne

Mount Pilatus

Lindenhof - famous site that appeared in the K drama Crash Landing, M was super excited 😒